Too Much and Not Enough

This is me at the age of 13. There is a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eye, but I am very aware that it is best if I make myself small. My mom is pregnant with my youngest sister, who will round out our family with eight children. As the oldest, people rely on me to be helpful - at school, at home, on my paper route, when I babysit. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I value peace and will do whatever gets me in good graces with people.  

I have big feelings! I am aware that my allergies have given me permanent dark circles around my eyes and I’ve become quite good at wearing makeup and not getting caught by the teachers at my Catholic school. I know that I’m one of the bigger girls in my class, and while my hormones are activated and I definitely have a major crush on one of the boys in my class, he has joined the other boys calling me “Moogret”.  

I am not cool, but I have a rapport among classmates, teachers, and staff: a kind, NICE, and helpful girl who can get along with anyone - even when they call her names. 

I want to be liked. I want to be liked!  

I feel fat and ugly and awkward... and smart enough to know that I don’t excel at anything except showing people how sweet and helpful and kind I can be.  

I am learning, expertly, to be that likable person. 

I am loud. I am good at cussing. I have a fire within me that bursts with yelling, tears, and riding my bicycle really fast (and yes, that will translate to having a lead foot when I learn to drive, and singing at the top of my lungs with Billy Idol blasting when I’m 16!).  

The thing is: one sideways glance or eyebrow raise in my direction and I’m back on the straight and narrow.  

It will take the better part of the next 40+ years to learn to love me just as I am.  

I am learning to be okay with my weirdness.  

I am learning not to apologize for who I am or for HOW I am!  

I am no longer trying to make myself small or dim my light to make other people comfortable.  

I have figured out that I am worthy just as I am. My SOUL is perfect. I make mistakes, say stupid stuff, and hurt people sometimes (99.999% of the time unintentionally), but my job here on earth is to be Margaret. I am safe to be me wholly. And I am enough just as I am. There is no reason for me or my ego to come up with some Margaret 2.0 version as I already have everything I need within me.  

My job, and yes, your job, is to listen to that small voice within and follow it. Let the light within you speak. Stop making yourself small. Stop doing things to be “nice”. Stop ignoring your Higher Self, your Guardian Angel, your INTUITION and be the person you are here to be. Not only are you enough, but you are safe, and worthy just as you are.  

If you have big feelings, allow yourself to feel them. I promise- they won’t overtake you!  

If you want to dance and/or sing while walking down the sidewalk, do it with gusto! 

If you want to wear a raspberry beret, do it! 

If you want to sniff a tree, submit a poem to a magazine, or learn to play piano – today is your day! The angels have your back. You’ve got this!